je m'aime

From when I walked around Simpang Lima

You know when I made A Glimpse to My Life Before 35, somehow I knew that I was rolling into a new stage, so that I had to record what I felt right in that moment, and I was right.

Or probably it is I who wish for a new chapter...?

Let's just say my chart gave it away and I thought it would be something good.

Yes, it is good, because I finally have all the time in the world to re-assess my mind palace, access of what's working and not working in my life, and apply to the openings that I thought I wouldn't.

At least, I didn't dwell on why I was let go from work. I let go from my work because simply there's no place for me to learn anymore. I have to learn about my next chapter somewhere else. The things I was worried about 5 years ago, 3 years ago, now have happened. But maybe because of that over overthinking, I can take it easily now. My life is a series of wheel of fortune. Sometimes I was up there, doors opening up easily, but sometimes something bring me close to the ground.

I donate better to various channel now, I set aside time for my friend, I help my friend set up her first store while she's good enough to adopt my name take it to the store payment: DiDi Team for Todayfinds.id! 

I feel like im growing into someone entirely foreign to me.

It's only July and I feel like I've gone through stages of life in just 3 months. Talk to you later!

1. Someone said December 25 - 31 was a void. Not really a holiday but not a week of hustle either. I beg to differ. Mom took me to SOLO and WONOGIRI for a 4-days vacation and Fitri tagged along. At some point, Fitri asked me what happened if she didn't tag along, well, i would be mute. She laughed and muttered, what if you're gone mute even to your husband later? What a weird conclusion. I wouldn't be with someone whom I dont feel safe with. Duh.

2. Sense of safety is not only about being un-threatened, it's also a sense of comfortable, be at ease, I can do anything like I don't need to appease anyone. I can act freely without people cringing at my sad upbringing, I love a little dark joke to lighten my mood. Paradox. That's how I survive. But I also love when people pick up my despair and saying everything's gonna be okay. Because in the end of the day, there are so many layers to my personality so that some substack read sum up my self: some parts of you only emerge for certain people. I am waiting for the day that someone understand im made of puzzle but there's no need to make sense of it.

3. The whole year is just me learning I can talk to opposite gender without being threatened. HAHA. I've come a long way right? How do I say this, I didn't really have that much experience in having guys as friends because growing up, it's always them who were interested in me that talk to me. So me being shy talking to opposite gender because I don't have any experience to do genuine talk, like a friend to another friend. I don't know how but the gym membership unlock something in me this year and im now okay to talk to anyone.

4. Full of whimsy, thank God, the whimsy is still here even in 2025. Rather than looking the world through rose-colored glasses, I make myself open and to any kind of goodness the universe might throw my way. I pride myself in the way I see things full of magic and im attracted to good vibes only. The burnt toast theory also happened. When I pull out all deck cards on the table, I finally understand why I missed the momentum. One thing and another. I'm still grateful how life unfolds. And to my friends who are there when things get complicated and untie it for me, niceeeee. I believe in timing and intention.

5. Of all the reading I read this year, not fiction, probably this one stuck me the most: building a life that feels intentional, I want to arrive at eighty without wondering if I could have lived with more courage, curiosity, or tenderness. I have arrived to the year I never thought I would. 35 is used to be so far away, if not far away, it's the age where I... let go. That probably what fueled me to go to more functions this year, explore more communities, join whatever fate telling me to (art therapy, freelance project, etc), just in case.

It's been so easy for me to fall asleep. If someone were to ask me what's the best you can do, I might answer falling asleep in no time. Whenever we had sleepover on my college girls' home, they mussed over how fast I could fall asleep in the following day.

the day time became shorter, 

this foggy street had been the one I came home to these days

Fast forward ten years later, the waking hours finally got me in chokehold. Didn't sleep in the daytime, my night sleep getting pushed for a really late. While I need to wake up in regular hours every day.

Now, I get frequent headache because of it. The food tastes bland in the tip of my tongue. The blue sky turns grey. I try so hard to get some sleep without any horror getting me in my dreams and jolting me awake every 2 hours. 

One night I was frantically scanning my room looking for a thing to get me sleep. The empty candle that I put on my window sill was long gone. The perfumes on my desk looking at me like "go on, take me". And my eyes landed on the new sample I purchased from Teratu a few weeks ago.

 

I took a sniff and decided to spray it on my pillow. 

Finally the good sleep I've been looking for several days.

The perfume smells like a bed of flowers and sweets. It might be too sweet for those who like clean smell. But to me, it is perfect.

main accords: sweet, fruity, fresh, chocolate

I was scrolling mindlessly on Pinterest and came upon this image. The term 'red strings of fate' immediately appeared on my mind. This kind of commitment needed years of deep relationship between two person. The smudged ink around the red string depicted that it's real tattoo, correct me if im wrong though.

The realm of relationship has always been a foreign concept to me. I was young and I had fallen fast. Now I am mature but it takes away the recklessness of being in love. Everything shall pass the test: personality, career, and moral value. I set it high so that no one comes close enough. Even the nonsense detail about what kind of eyes he has, shoulder length, height, whether he choose leather jacket or winter coat for fashion. 

Yet the big question is: is he good for my mental health? If you watch Korean drama It's Okay It's Love, you will get the gist of what I'm trying to say. The female character has anxiety that comes to her relationship with her boyfriend. It succumbed from the incident when she was young. It shaped her. It constructed her in present times. Nothing comes easy.

Again, the concept of red string of fate is not something that I let it into my life. But when it happen, I'd probably be glad about it because fate has taken care of the part that I've been suffered for many years. 

Fate.

On second thought: if you zoom in the picture, it's actually not tattoo, it's literally red strings.

Let me put the other image from Pinterest.


Playlist:
Adhitya Sofyan - Dunia Paralel
Iamneeta - Marry Me
Nino Rota - What is Youth
Bruno Major - Home
Billie Eilish - Bellyache

Nothing is going on right now, except that I lost three cats (one was my favorite) and I try the hardest to push the sadness in, the weather is too cold. Instead of making a fuss about it, I hope the cold weather won't go away.

If someone ask me what I would prefer: cold or hot weather, I definitely choose cold. But actually, I am more of cool weather-type rather than cold. I remember trying to keep myself alive, from freezing toes and cheeks at Dieng. Every breathe I took sent sharp pain in the chest because I didn't expect it to be that cold.

There are temperature limits for human body. According to Vox, cold stresses the heart and lungs as the body works to maintain its core temperature. On the contrary, unseasonal heat event will also become more risky.

Cool weather. Light drizzle. Mist. Goosebumps creeping in your sleeves.

It's only Tuesday. I was thinking that the time moved faster these days. But then, this week make me realize that's not the case. The menstrual cramp, my entire body hurts here and there, the roller coaster mood swings, all of this contribute into several bad days.

Not to mention now I forget to bring any earphone. I realize that I check the clock once every half an hour. It's only 11.55AM. I don't know how to survive till 4.30PM. 

Music is such a friendly company. The melodic tune can turn your sour hours into a worth-enjoying ones. When people say they hate Monday, I don't use the word 'hate' to describe the first day of the week. It is .... bearable. Not that favorable but indeed I can still bear the weight of Mondays.

The fact that you have 2 days off in the weekend but you don't feel enough and then Monday's creeping in your doorstep while you still want to have day off? Is that why people hate Monday?

For the moment, I don't like Tuesday. I forget my earphone, the aching body, mood swings, and packed schedule. I need to write the entire new collection (I won't give any numbers but sure it's A LOT). As a perpetual sloth, this Tuesday is a lot to bear. 

Did I mention I sit next to my superior? 

Believe me, as a content writer, I need to get my 'juice' flowing in order to do my jobdesc. Maybe it's not a big deal for you. But for me, giving a humane description to every item is a way to attract potential customer. I'm not great in talking but sure I can write. 

In order to get my juice flowing, I need to let out words clogging the stream inside my head, hence this hastily written post. 

For the weekend, I went on trip, hung out with friend, and watched dramas. But I gotta admit, my Sunday was such an turn off. Too many things happened and it's hard for me to digest. I didn't know how I should react to it without being whiny. 

Hoof.

I need to get back to work. Earlier, I peeped on this newly-found blog that inspired me to write scrabbily but as honest as I can get. I might post some of the weekend trip into diary post, some time later. 

Avril's concert yesterday >> Ratri wanted to go but her dad didnt allow her to go.
2AM's showcase today >> Mami is (rather) their hardcore fan but she couldnt watch it and I still wonder why, in fact it's for free you know. She seemed so upset yesterday in twitter.


I hope when SHINee does come here (again) I'll be able to watch it >.< Maybe Tiwi can go with me so I dont have to be alone like what my Mom's worried about. Kekeke~ 
I'll save up. 
Or maybe SM Town, Sonya said she wanted to go to SM Town to watch DBSK (I dont know if she really meant it) but we can go with Tiwi and maybe Mami will go along. Who knows?


Amin.
I saw this photo along with other photos, which is soooo cool, in my tumblr dashboard. SHINee for ELLE Girl Japan June's issue. I wonder if they'll ship this to Indonesia.
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I guess not.