1. Someone said December 25 - 31 was a void. Not really a holiday but not a week of hustle either. I beg to differ. Mom took me to SOLO and WONOGIRI for a 4-days vacation and Fitri tagged along. At some point, Fitri asked me what happened if she didn't tag along, well, i would be mute. She laughed and muttered, what if you're gone mute even to your husband later? What a weird conclusion. I wouldn't be with someone whom I dont feel safe with. Duh.

2. Sense of safety is not only about being un-threatened, it's also a sense of comfortable, be at ease, I can do anything like I don't need to appease anyone. I can act freely without people cringing at my sad upbringing, I love a little dark joke to lighten my mood. Paradox. That's how I survive. But I also love when people pick up my despair and saying everything's gonna be okay. Because in the end of the day, there are so many layers to my personality so that some substack read sum up my self: some parts of you only emerge for certain people. I am waiting for the day that someone understand im made of puzzle but there's no need to make sense of it.

3. The whole year is just me learning I can talk to opposite gender without being threatened. HAHA. I've come a long way right? How do I say this, I didn't really have that much experience in having guys as friends because growing up, it's always them who were interested in me that talk to me. So me being shy talking to opposite gender because I don't have any experience to do genuine talk, like a friend to another friend. I don't know how but the gym membership unlock something in me this year and im now okay to talk to anyone.

4. Full of whimsy, thank God, the whimsy is still here even in 2025. Rather than looking the world through rose-colored glasses, I make myself open and to any kind of goodness the universe might throw my way. I pride myself in the way I see things full of magic and im attracted to good vibes only. The burnt toast theory also happened. When I pull out all deck cards on the table, I finally understand why I missed the momentum. One thing and another. I'm still grateful how life unfolds. And to my friends who are there when things get complicated and untie it for me, niceeeee. I believe in timing and intention.

5. Of all the reading I read this year, not fiction, probably this one stuck me the most: building a life that feels intentional, I want to arrive at eighty without wondering if I could have lived with more courage, curiosity, or tenderness. I have arrived to the year I never thought I would. 35 is used to be so far away, if not far away, it's the age where I... let go. That probably what fueled me to go to more functions this year, explore more communities, join whatever fate telling me to (art therapy, freelance project, etc), just in case.