je m'aime

art gallery yogyakarta

I watched this several days ago and it instantly reminded me of this art gallery in Yogyakarta.

I get this glimpse of the life i've never lived in my mind, from the reels, vlogs, or any medias I consume. I had open my heart to new experience last time in 2023 and indeed it opened me to magnificent memory. And each places have the tie to the other, like the video I mentioned above, my brain immediate catches the similarity with the art gallery @ Yogyakarta I visited last August.

Expansive landscape, massive water area, exposed cement, raw wall, lots of trees.

At that time, I was at this cafe in Kotagede and I scrolled away the social media. One post caught my attention and it's about this free-entry art gallery. Huh? Free entry? I travelled to Yogyakarta to visit the annual Artjog, while this art gallery is free entry? That intrigued me and when I commuted there (by my motorbike), it turned out it's only several miles away from my hotel. 

Amazing.

The place was deep inside the neighborhood, I almost rode past it if there's no big sign. The vacant parking lot showed that not many people discovered this place, or at least at 3 PM in Sunday afternoon. I trudged my heavy limb due to over-packed schedule that day and I drove around since the day before. But then when I walked passed the façade, the lush environment immediately greeted me.

The sun was no where in sight so it made the ambience a little bit gloomy. Extra green, exposed cement wall, and large windows. As I took in the scenery, the staff immediately called me to write down my name and contact before entering the area. No chaperone or anything, we're free roaming the sites under the obvious rules: do not go past the line, do not touch, do not litter.

KINIKO ART

what caught my eye in the first glance

Not gonna lie, but "is this SHINee????" was the first came into my mind.

I can't help but thinking of Jonghyun. And I dont know what direction this artwork lead to but it's beautiful. Understand and supportive eventhough you guys seen each other's soul (both good & bad).

Feels like i was getting pulled in.

what is my most favorite piece

I would love to take this and put it on the wall outside my bedroom.

Kiniko Art is open to everyone. Free. All you need is to write down your name and email, I think? I dont remember. It's been one year ago, the same time as ARTJOG happened.

I'd love hanging out into this magical spot and have a long conversation about each painting but we just had to go after 2 hours cause it's closed at 5 PM. 

Oh, how the universe loves playing tricks on me.

Following my post last month, my life got suspended. I feel like everything in me pause-ing, although life keeps rolling away. Morning to morning, the full moon to new moon, and growing again. But I stop moving.

I am stranded.

I try to be honest and talk to myself about it, inside my brain is like how an astronaut got suspended on the air, he's not going up, he's not going down, he's just floating. That's how my life is right now.

One moment I believe im doing fine, the next moment life throws out an 180.

Probably next time I would say everything is so so, not too well, not too bad. My unintelligible thought when I was in college making its comeback: probably dont be too happy about where you are nji, cause when there's happiness, it always follows by the opposite. 

Maybe it's time for me to participate in my own life. I cannot emphasize enough how this video finds me at the right moment. Her sketches and screenwriting always blow me away. And at this moment, it's eating me inside out.

But if you listen carefully, the people who actually changed the shape of their lives rarely began with a plan at all. They started in a small, sometimes mildly humiliating way. It almost always looks like confusion, but confusion, it turns out, is the beginning of most interesting lives.

Maybe I am meant to start a new life. The old mold doesn't fit me anymore: the tight-knit office gang, platonic relationship where I always suppress my feelings, the leader who don't know how to lead me cause his doesn't know what to do about my skill, all the overthinking, everything.

But that doesn't mean the confusion goes away. It is replaced with the new problem, new confusion, new overthinking. Hahaaaaaaaa.

It is not the time where I contemplate should I pursue creative writing or learning oil painting. I have to start to build the foundation. I don't know where it will lead me to, but I hope it's something greater.

All kudos to my mom who support me in this hardest time. And my friends who seem to catch my back whenever I get tired and need to rest.

In the meantime, let's not be afraid to try. Never stop trying. Never stop learning.

Dermaga Coffee, Semarang

Still flying solo, with hair in a shade lighter, drooping cheeks cause of my downturn smile, lips in lighter color too, and heavier weight.

Honestly those things I mentioned above don't put that much weight on my mind, it's just facts. The 20-something-me would be terrified of any slight difference. The musings and yearnings didn't fade but softened.

But still.

There are many things that change but still the same thing remains: I still cannot do a relationship.

The chronic overthinking and the amount of myself pondering over same problems  tenth times or more, is still there. I wouldn't jump into any life-changing decision without getting it over and over in my mind.

And that keeps me for getting the life that I want.

What is it that I want? Idk. To spend my life forever with my person?

Wow I did not just write that. DID I?

--

Anywaaaaaays, there's always this shadow in the back of my mind that saying: "Well, actually I did great. My life is amazing." but somehow I refuse to say it out loud. Saying it out loud actually jinx it, I believe. But let me, for this once, before I turn 35: Well, nji, actually you did great. Didn't die young, you're still here, you can go wherever you want, you can eat whatever you need, you're healthy, you're always at the place at the right moment. Everything turns out amazing. Cheers!

I always want to do art but im not the one born with skill. Mine is so rusty and need thousand hours of practice to hail it back. That's why last December when someone posted a story about Watu Gunung Cafe and after went down a rabbit hole, I decided to join the upcoming workshop at that same cafe in 3 weeks. 

Watu Gunung

Watu Gunung Cafe is located in Watu Gunung. The cafe were not there when we went there back in 2021. Not a lot has changed. What I remember about that place is the grass color. It went lighter. It's not as green. But the pool is still there, the big rocks are still there. Well, Watu Gunung is taken from big rocks, duh! But that day, everything was dark and moist.

The clock strike 25 minutes after the midday when we gathered on the square table. Rainfall was in forecast on the night before, so the cloudy weather was expected. The wood beams and furniture set the right mood for art therapy, albeit rather dark. The cafe was semi-outdoors and the yellow light was lit anywhere else, but our table.

Mbak Afif started the workshop with mini meditation and asked us to close our eyes. Imagining what's on our mind and tried to put it on the canvas. As usual, with the command, my chaotic mind started to change images several times, from the flower vines outside the Angonjiwo with blue sky in the background, and some other things in blue.

The canvas was 20 x 20 and with acrylic paint in 5 primary colors. I still had no idea on what to paint but I quickly dived my brush on blue paint since it's my favorite. The mindless stroke became a heart shape side. Yeah, one side in blue and one side in red. Hot & cold. Contrast. Paradox.

There were four of us. Mbak Apip, the artist, was stalling on color, she worked on watering the canvas instead. Gita, the artist's friend, took the darkest color she could find and moved in abstract manner. While Fani, I left her doing her things, turned out she picked her favorite too: purple and green, the colors in which didn't match together but she loved it side by side.

The highlight of the day is that I realize, so many impulsive decision lead me to the things I really need to do. Like, when I look back, I directed myself to this very moment: doing arts, having sweet time by cafe hopping, keeping close to the ones who wanted to talk about what matter the most, trying to grasp this life a little clearer.

The art workshop is the tilting point, the beginning, the half-remembered mystery reaching out to me. Genuine interaction is rare, it's just I have to put myself in the right place and right moment. As someone who is from a psych major, sometimes I know more than meets the eye. I roll my eyes when people ask me to do mind-reading when they know im from a psych major, but I cannot help to psycho-analyze people in the first encounter.

My life is just the accumulation of little impulse of doing this and that. I just wish someday it'll make sense.

1. Someone said December 25 - 31 was a void. Not really a holiday but not a week of hustle either. I beg to differ. Mom took me to SOLO and WONOGIRI for a 4-days vacation and Fitri tagged along. At some point, Fitri asked me what happened if she didn't tag along, well, i would be mute. She laughed and muttered, what if you're gone mute even to your husband later? What a weird conclusion. I wouldn't be with someone whom I dont feel safe with. Duh.

2. Sense of safety is not only about being un-threatened, it's also a sense of comfortable, be at ease, I can do anything like I don't need to appease anyone. I can act freely without people cringing at my sad upbringing, I love a little dark joke to lighten my mood. Paradox. That's how I survive. But I also love when people pick up my despair and saying everything's gonna be okay. Because in the end of the day, there are so many layers to my personality so that some substack read sum up my self: some parts of you only emerge for certain people. I am waiting for the day that someone understand im made of puzzle but there's no need to make sense of it.

3. The whole year is just me learning I can talk to opposite gender without being threatened. HAHA. I've come a long way right? How do I say this, I didn't really have that much experience in having guys as friends because growing up, it's always them who were interested in me that talk to me. So me being shy talking to opposite gender because I don't have any experience to do genuine talk, like a friend to another friend. I don't know how but the gym membership unlock something in me this year and im now okay to talk to anyone.

4. Full of whimsy, thank God, the whimsy is still here even in 2025. Rather than looking the world through rose-colored glasses, I make myself open and to any kind of goodness the universe might throw my way. I pride myself in the way I see things full of magic and im attracted to good vibes only. The burnt toast theory also happened. When I pull out all deck cards on the table, I finally understand why I missed the momentum. One thing and another. I'm still grateful how life unfolds. And to my friends who are there when things get complicated and untie it for me, niceeeee. I believe in timing and intention.

5. Of all the reading I read this year, not fiction, probably this one stuck me the most: building a life that feels intentional, I want to arrive at eighty without wondering if I could have lived with more courage, curiosity, or tenderness. I have arrived to the year I never thought I would. 35 is used to be so far away, if not far away, it's the age where I... let go. That probably what fueled me to go to more functions this year, explore more communities, join whatever fate telling me to (art therapy, freelance project, etc), just in case.

 First part of story is here.

Gunung Telomoyo

The following day on Sunday (29/12), we woke up pretty early. I pulled my beanie and wore the jacket over my night gown and walked around. Under them morning sky I could make out a small road behind our room, I didn't really see it when we checked in the day before. We could see some of the neighborhood peeps came in and out by their motorcycle without no safe helmet when the weather is near 15 degree. It's cold af and they didn't bother to warm themselves with head scarves or something.

Mountain view from our room

The thing I notice about the people living in high altitude is that they bite back the cold temperature and walk and work normally but their red cheeks and nose betray them HAHA. I live near the coastal line, soooo im a tropical person, I will pack my thickest jacket and im aware traveling in the coldest month (December) will give my body a shock if I wear my daily clothes.

Ruli, on the other hand, she packed light and nonchalant, she thought her knit top would be enough, AHA, it's not. At night, I layered my nightgown with heat-tech long-sleeves and survived the night while she wore her usual long-sleeves and daily socks which gave her NO extra heat at all. She curled up into a ball till sunrise.

my view from left side of the bed

Cool tips if you travel in the coldest month:

Take your big jacket, heat-tech sleeves and slacks. Extra clothes would help you survive the cold.

We took turn taking a shower (thank God for the water heater) and put on Doraemon in the background. We realize this is just like we used to be in our childhood where we played at lebaran holiday when we were at our grandma's house. Doraemon playing on the television, while the grandchildren spread around the living room and watched it together. Now, we're fully adult but ngl I still want that life tbh. No responsibilities, head empty but eating and playing, but with adult money.

I got emergency back then, actually the night before, my charger refuse to charge. I put it on the upper part of my backpack and probably the water from the tiny drizzle in the afternoon seeped into the backpack and killed my charger. LOL. My smart ass packed a tiny powerbank, I could only use it in a certain position. If the phone moved any inch, the connection would be broken. That's how I had to get along for the rest of the day. Borrowed the cable from Ruli for my powerbank and charged my phone after it's fulled. A total complication but it worked, Thank God. I just need to get back home and use my old charger until I get the new one. Baseus is pretty powerhouse brand and I only use their charger. I use the 2m cables linked here.

At 9 PM we checked out and recorded the prettiest view. Took a memento or two, the accommodation offered several room with bigger space, smaller space, and a little bird. I'm grateful Ruli booked us the one with the view. Cause I walked around and it's only our room that got the mountain view.

Next on the list: Omah Kembang

This is one of the most-wanted spots for me. I went to Merbabu View several years back and on my way home I saw this swiss-alp building, and I said to myself I had to go back here someday. And probably the universe heard me, I did go back here albeit with different peeps but it's okay.

We went to the cafe and we ordered breakfast slash lunch cause after this we went straight back home. From the cafe, we saw three villas with a pool, and a whole family was there. What I mean by whole fam is really A BIG group of family. It was high season and that must've been cost a fortune to rent the whole place by themselves. The surrounding was so beautiful btw. The lush greens, high trees, with pretty building like that.

Warm matcha for Ruli, Cappuccino for me. Sup Senerek for Ruli, Burger for me.

After we drowned in the view, our order started coming in. The staff said I couldn't use my DSLR camera here lol. But I didn't see the sign anywhere so I thought it's fine. Plus, my phone was out of storage and best to take camera shots so that I wouldn't have to cram my full storage. The pretty view is probably popular among the pre-wedding shoot or any professional shoot and that's why they put rules like that. They had to put up a sign next time. My guess is that they charge more for DSLR camera.

It was a little bit chilly outside but breathtaking view. The vast sky was white but all of sudden the rain started to come. We talked less here due to out of energy and it was nearing the end of the trip. The feeling of nostalgia caught us fast even when we're still on the trip. We will miss this a lot. The place, the cold weather, the pretty photos. We turned in a year older this year and we're still unsure of what lies ahead. We're running towards a goal where we're attracting good things in our life. Several bumps here and there but we decided to see the silver lining. We're both a serious thinker, she's a capricorn sun and im a capricorn moon. My doubts, she could understand my pov. Her fears, I could easily see why she fears that problem. We're both taken from the same side of a book. Being the first daughter of the family and still single in our thirties, we carried similar problems but slightly different.

I made the video as well and you can watch it on youtube here.

And just like that, we're in the tip of our travel. I swear to God this trip was a breath to us. A little space where we caught our breath, to talk, and gain our energy back. The zoo, the flowers, the forest, the good food, we're grateful of everything.

See you next trip!

(If anyone’s wondering, the title “December on November” is because the vacation was in December 2024, but I only managed to write about it now, in November 2025. Very late publication, I know—but the life of a corporate slave and holding space for my mental health means I process things way later… even a year after.)

"You’re willing to go all the way here for my big sis?” asked Ebi.

I told her that morning on April 20, 2025 that we’re there for Lala. We as in me, Diana, Nastiti, & Shelley. We heard the news that Lala been at ICU since the night before and we definitely rushed to see her in the following morning. The answer is: why not.

Going through platonic friendships, I always appreciate those who doesn’t pry. She’s like the silent pat in the shoulder and say, “Go ahead, I’m here for you.” She’s that supportive friends who always find a fun thing to say even in the darkest time. The way I always casually go to her and chat about small things I find on the way to the office, or the meal recipe I see on tiktok the other day, and tell her I see a pretty cardigans at the store at the mall and ask if she want to check them together after this.

Of course, I will go all the way for Lala.

All the bucket list she has, all the food stalls she wants to go to, all the tiktok challenges she wants us to do. I still have it all.

Sorry, I have this habit to talk about someone in present time, and not in past tense, because to be honest I just… can’t.

At 1 o’clock, we took turn to go and see her. For the first time, I recited the entire Al-Fatihah to her with Shelley’s hands on my back, trembling like mine. And I said to her to let me go. It worried me sick if she keep hurting like that. It hurted.

We really let her go at 21.

wrote and edited on May 2

Hi, greetings from 2025!

A quick glance to the last post published on 2023. Oh, no! I missed a whole year!!!! How could I!!!

2024 was ended with a good note a good heart because I just came back from an impulsive trip with Ruli. Yes, we finally did a trip together 2D1N at Ngablak, Magelang. It’s not exactly at Magelang, it’s more of Salatiga but yes tipping to Magelang. We’re at the border lol whatever it’s called.

It was rainy season. We celebrated Ruli birthday away from our houses and we both loved being deep up the hill.

“What do you prefer: A trip to the beach or mountain?” she asked me that afternoon. We’re both comfy respectively in our spots, me sitting on the green chair by the window, her on the bed in fetal position. She’s been badly hit by the cold due to one-piece clothing, LOL I KNOW, SHE SHOULD KNOW BETTER. But you gotta be in the position where you experienced thing to know how you should do better next time. She definitely should bring warmer jacket next time instead of that parachute jacket that she even LEFT at her motorbike.

As usual I took a neutral stance to control my biased view, “Well, I enjoyed my days at the beach…” I reminisced to the short trip to Jepara back in August 2024. It was windy despite the humid temperature. And back in our room we blasted the air-con to the max because it’s the only time we had air-con so yeahhhhhh cold doesn’t scare me anyway!

“Oooooh that I agree!”

 

angie & ruli

We continued talking and talking even after the clock struck 11. Until I bundled myself under the blanket and her still in fetal position.

The morning came and we still do questions-answers back and forth. Like, what do you think of your job for now, what type of guy you would go for marriage, what do you think you would do if he put you in this position, what do you wish for you in 10 years. It’s basically a job interview lmao. And I censored hard core things in case things got leaked from here hajajajjajajaja.

And then we came to the conclusion: Ruli is Capricorn Sun and I have Capricorn Moon and that’s why we move together in synch. We both so rigid and put the logic first but I do have my emotional times, not gonna lie, and she’s the one who I turn to when it comes to my family issue cause she’s there when everything happened. And I valued her point of view apart from my mother’s.

We may be not look alike but we share the same blood. And according to the BIG FAMILY BOOK AT at my grandma’s house we have the same blood of Jaka Tingkir. I kid you NOT! This was back in our holiday in our high school maybe? There’s this thick book lying around the living room and there’s me and her name there probably in 40^th page or more and who got the front page (indicating the main blood line): Jaka Tingkir. I couldn’t forget the dumbfounded expression on my face and hers. Like, are we r0y4l?

The conclusion is we believe what we want to believe. HAHA.

Anyhow any who, it’s convenient because it felt like I have a younger sister but I didn’t have to share mom’s pocket money cause she has her own share lol.

Our itinerary for Day 1: Merbabu Park & Pasar Kopeng.

Day 2: Omah Kembang - click here

Trip on youtube.