Death is something that really I hope I can free from. But then there's no life without death. I once made an oath to myself that I wouldn't experience death before me. But no, life and death is nobody's business except for Him.

I used to be so obsessed with how to cope around death when I hadn't experience any of it. The passing of a family member is one of great fear in my life. The foretold story about death and what happened in the family from books, tweets, and movies are enough for me. I don't need to see it happen in real life.

(Maybe that's why I was so hung up with Monster Calls, book and movie. It's about a passing member of family, the important one.)

And yet, life and death is the most absolute thing in the world. It happens to everyone.

grandma smiled at the birthday cake from mom

Books I read regarding mental illness, self-harm, even suicide are flooding my reading list since 3 years ago, the year when I slided into adulthood and real life. I desperately found a thing to hold on while the characters on the book died. It's only character, they said. I argued back, well, books are based on real life experience. Somewhere in other side of the world, it happened to some family and my heart ached for them.

my cousin feeding grandma birthday cake

Death came to my family recently. It took our grandma/and mom. After 27 years, I was there to see the first passing with my own eyes, ripped from the body we used to pat, embrace, caress, and love. I didn't know how to let myself go because the first thought on my mind was to show understanding to my mother and aunt who were there and their loss was greater than me. I shouldn't give them a push button by breaking down there and then they were the one to comfort me rather than I did to them. So, I stood there and gave the latest caress, pat, and farewell to the body of grandma. Her soul was finally free. Eventually, she was free from the pain.

Her life was filled with religious and social activities around the neighborhood. She's also a dear person for a handful of people around us. A good life has been lived.

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Whether it's from illness or something else, death is devastating. Last month, we celebrate mental health awareness month, mental illness is equally horrendous as physical illness. I hope you have someone to talk to when you need it. Embrace those who's dear to your heart and make them feel that you care for them. And maybe, the regret is not something that you feel after someone's dear to you leave you one day.