Oh, how the universe loves playing tricks on me.

Following my post last month, my life got suspended. I feel like everything in me pause-ing, although life keeps rolling away. Morning to morning, the full moon to new moon, and growing again. But I stop moving.

I am stranded.

I try to be honest and talk to myself about it, inside my brain is like how an astronaut got suspended on the air, he's not going up, he's not going down, he's just floating. That's how my life is right now.

One moment I believe im doing fine, the next moment life throws out an 180.

Probably next time I would say everything is so so, not too well, not too bad. My unintelligible thought when I was in college making its comeback: probably dont be too happy about where you are nji, cause when there's happiness, it always follows by the opposite. 

Maybe it's time for me to participate in my own life. I cannot emphasize enough how this video finds me at the right moment. Her sketches and screenwriting always blow me away. And at this moment, it's eating me inside out.

But if you listen carefully, the people who actually changed the shape of their lives rarely began with a plan at all. They started in a small, sometimes mildly humiliating way. It almost always looks like confusion, but confusion, it turns out, is the beginning of most interesting lives.

Maybe I am meant to start a new life. The old mold doesn't fit me anymore: the tight-knit office gang, platonic relationship where I always suppress my feelings, the leader who don't know how to lead me cause his doesn't know what to do about my skill, all the overthinking, everything.

But that doesn't mean the confusion goes away. It is replaced with the new problem, new confusion, new overthinking. Hahaaaaaaaa.

It is not the time where I contemplate should I pursue creative writing or learning oil painting. I have to start to build the foundation. I don't know where it will lead me to, but I hope it's something greater.

All kudos to my mom who support me in this hardest time. And my friends who seem to catch my back whenever I get tired and need to rest.

In the meantime, let's not be afraid to try. Never stop trying. Never stop learning.

Dermaga Coffee, Semarang